Heretical Jargon

Just for fun, I’ve compiled a top five list of the worst movies from 2011.  It’s over half a year past 2011, but why not have some fun…even if it’s past due.  These films are ranked from bad to worse.  Comments and disagreements are welcome.

5. Green Lantern

When you think back to all the comic book films within the last decade, they all put on the same façade – the difference between good and evil always seems to be questionably unclear, never leaving much room for certainty in who the bad guys and good guys are. That or the notion of good and evil is left in this grey area where only the audience knows the truth, while the movie’s characters stay ignorant.

The problem exists with the lack of substance and the “plotty” nature of the film’s progression.  An overabundance of character additions and plot devices make it hard for the editors to give the film a fluid two hour flow, causing the character relationships to feel forced and confusing. It never stood firm on any foundation to allow the story to work. I wondered if it was designed to be more of a bed time story rather than an action movie – I wanted to fall asleep a few times.

Even for a comic book nerd like me, this film did very little in satisfying my fanboyish needs.  I can only imagine what it did to everyone else.

4. Sherlock Holmes: A Game Of Shadows

If you were happy with Guy Ritchie’s first Holmes installment, you probably left the theater with a pleasant taste in your mouth.  However, if you weren’t impressed by film #1, Game of Shadows will compel you to stick you pinky finger in a pencil sharpener – because that would be more enjoyable than having to remember you wasted your money Holmes.

There’s also the sense that you’re watching a classic Victorian hero battle it out with baddies in a “Call of Duty” gaming style – complete with bad dialog and second rate story telling – if there was, in fact, a story.  Once arriving at the eight or ninth tedious action sequence, I began to wonder if this movie was even MORE aggravating than the George Lucas “edits” and “add-ons” to the Star Wars trilogy.  (But of course, that would be wrong.)

Yes, you need to believe the reviews – this movie isn’t worth the price of admission. But, as prefaced above, it’s all based on what you like.  And I guess if you like watching something that not only mocks Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s masterful work of literature, but also dumbs down the intellect that made the Holmes stories so good, then by all means, enjoy!

3. Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Was I really sitting through 50 minutes of explosions and climatic action sequences that wore out its welcome half way through?  There’s gotta be something wrong with that picture!  It’s a film that went over two hours, (which is 2 hours too long) giving us a plethora of moral idiocy, lacking in heart and soul.  This isn’t a Transformers movie, it’s a typical Michael Bay film.

There’s almost a clinical tone in the way Bay throws about this third installment of the classic cartoon show.  Even the allusion to the World Trade Center towers made me wonder if Bay was making a statement about America and it’s honor, or if he was just chuckling at us.

In any case, the film’s meandering around the explosions and sexual innuendos didn’t deter me from knowing that the plot itself could have been summed up in under one hour, much like the previous two films.

2. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn—Part 1

Why is it, when there are so many GOOD film sagas out there, people continually plague themselves with watching the bad ones?  Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Superman, and even the Rocky series are a much better and worthy cinematic excursion to embrace.

Looking as if she’s experienced the worst kind of pain on a daily basis, Twilight gives Kristen Stewart an excuse to act even MORE tortured than she already is. But given the fact that her marriage, honeymoon, and history’s worst natural childbirth experience is all wrapped in a cocoon of the walking dead…sure why not, it makes sense.  If only it was written well.

But maybe my opinion of the film is dictated by the fact that thousands of children and adults are eating this up – something so distasteful and mind numbing.  I love that Twilight is helping kids to get excited about reading, I simply can’t support a film as bad as this and promote it to our youth.  If there’s no hope in a film’s ending, why bother?

1. The Green Hornet

The fun was completely sidelined once Seth Rogen’s script went into high gear…which was about five minutes into the film.  One thing is clear though – one one should ever, in their right mind, hand over the screen writing responsibilities of such a classic hero to a bumbling comedic actor like Seth Rogen.

It’s a film filled with Rogenized gags and slapstick that simply didn’t fit the character or story.  You’ll actually get bored through most of the film.  In fact, the best part was at the end…when the credits rolled.  Finally!  Something that made sense and was fun to see!  But it wasn’t worth the over priced 3D ticket which lent nothing to the story and thrills….if there were any.

I was waiting for that moment when Kato would show up and give us something to be excited about.  But no, Kato was just as lacking as every other character. Even the bad guy was a bit of a joke.  This film was a relentless piece of trash that persisted in taunting me with its inability to make a coherent thought or plot twist.  No doubt, this potentially fun film was anything but.